The following is a confidential report of our assessment of several candidates being considered for the ministry and/or a pastorate. The name appears at the end of each description in order not to prejudice the reader.

-Good man, but reports indicate he and his wife have been seen walking nude in the woods. (Adam)

-After many, many years, his last pulpit yielded no converts whatsoever. Also, he’s prone to unrealistic building projects. (Noah)

-This guy’s references report wife-swapping, although the facts show he never actually slept with another man’s wife. However, reports state he did offer to share his wife with another man. (Abraham)

-A big thinker, but a braggart. Has a prison record. (Joseph)

-A modest man, but a poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Reportedly has a bad temper. Some say he killed a man. (Moses)

-The most promising leader of all -- until it was discovered he had an affair with a subordinate’s wife and tried to cover it up. (David)

-Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. (Elijah)

-Strong leader, but she is a female. (Deborah)

-Alarmist, negative, possibly unstable emotionally. (Jeremiah)

-Claims to be a Baptist but doesn’t dress like one. Strange diet. Tends to provoke denominational leaders. (John the Baptist)

-Low class. Can be aggressive for the things of God, but a loose cannon. (Peter)

-Powerful CEO-type leader but short on tact. Has been known to preach all night. (Paul)

-Comes from a good family, but too young. (Timothy)

-Way too old! (Methuselah)

-A master of church growth, but can be offensive. Last church of 5,000 dwindled to just 12 people. Can’t seem to stay in one place for very long. Also, he’s single. (Jesus)

-Solid references. A steady plodder. Good connections. Experienced at handling finances. We recommend he be invited to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here. (Judas)